The Imaginary Horrors of Childbirth

This entry is dedicated to Lis.

The final weeks leading to the birth of my son, I had all sorts of thoughts, fearful thoughts, which were keeping me awake at night. It was made worse by the fact that I was off work 2 weeks before my due date. And it is true what they say, an idle mind is a devil’s workshop. With no work to distract me, all I did was conjure all kinds of agonizing thoughts and fear. The agony of waiting for the infamous contraction, whether it was going to come while you are asleep or out having breakfast at the local coffee shop. I have heard so much about it, read so much about it and obviously I was preparing myself for the worst.

I am the sort of person who tends to have a very different perspective of things. For example, fainting is a romantic idea but not if you land oddly and your underpants go on show. Or if I see a motorbike accident with spilled food on the road, it makes me sad because the food never made it home to the table. My friend fell down a flight of stairs and I could not stop laughing because she fell down the flight of stairs on bended knees.

In those final weeks I did wonder how anybody could describe childbirth as beautiful. I was huge, I had a backache, my pelvis bone clicked each time I turned from one side to another . I am not joking, you could hear the clicking and the sensation is so odd. This is caused by a condition called Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction. Also, I had perpetual (meaning it was there 24/7) pins and needles in my right hand (Carpal Tunnel Syndrome) which had been present since the 4th month. As far as I could see or imagine, childbirth would be excruciatingly painful, tiring, messy, unattractive and gross.

I am also very particular about my personal hygiene and where I go to get it done which is the reason I cannot go camping. Wherever I visit, my main priority is the condition of the toilet. This is why as much as I love China, the mere thoughts of the toilets make me retch.

During childbirth did you know that you may accidentally do a poopie? So I did some research and found out that doctors do give you suppositories to clear out your system. However the other problem I had was with the toilet at the doctor’s. So I came up with a brilliant idea of asking the doctor for a suppository in advance! After all, when you first have your contraction, you have a good 8-9 hours (if you are lucky), before the baby pops out. And apparently a suppository works within 15 minutes, in the comfort of my own washroom!!!

After all that, this is what we call a party pooper. I was 1 week late, my water broke, I had no contractions, I was not dilated (maybe just 1cm), and I did not use my suppository. I woke up on a Wednesday morning at about 8.30am when my water broke. So I had my shower, washed my hair and drove myself to the doctor’s. After weighing the pros and cons, the doctor recommended C-Section. By 10.45am, all was well and good. I had my new little bub whom I have grown to love more and more each day.